I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
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These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
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Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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