dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
