I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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