I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
