Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
