I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize