that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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