The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
