Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
