i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am midnight drunk by noon
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
