LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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