I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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