just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
