It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
