We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
