shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
