Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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