Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just forgot I was standing up.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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