I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
