Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
