At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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