It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
