The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
