Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
