just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
