omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
