good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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