this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
