What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
