my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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