god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
