Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
