I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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