we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
