Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
