I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
