I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
