Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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