im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
