I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
