It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
