I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
