i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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