Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
