Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
