i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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