I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
