Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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