Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
