I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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