Your face is a jimmy john
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
