by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
