The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
