Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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