i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
