got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
