I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
