i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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