Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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