I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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