i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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